


Today I Am Wise

by McShipIt



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Future Fic, M/M, Pining!John, Post-Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 10:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McShipIt/pseuds/McShipIt
Summary: In simple words: John's path to self-discovery.In not so simple words: While Atlantis is grounded on Earth, everyone, including Rodney, is moving on with their lives and John realizes he's the one being left behind.





	Today I Am Wise

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

― Rumi

 

* * *

 

John wasn’t sure when he’d stopped being afraid to want something without repercussions or fear, or when he decided to live his own life and not how somebody told him to live it. He didn’t remember when he became the man who felt comfortable in his skin, he only knew it took two decades and two galaxies to do it. 

 

* * *

 

John knocked on McKay's door, waiting for an acknowledgement to enter. He could’ve overridden it with a thought, but it was only a month of living in this city and living in each other’s pockets, he didn’t think they were there, yet, no matter how many life-threatening situations the galaxy threw at them.

The door opened to a bedraggled McKay, sleep worn with dark circles under his eyes. The doc had released McKay, but after the idiotic, hare-brained, self-sacrificing, brave stunt he'd pulled, it looked like he needed a few more hours of sleep.

“Yes, Major?” Rodney said, rubbing his eyes.

“McKay.” John wasn’t sure why he turned up at Rodney's door, only that when he left the control room, his feet took him here, to a man, whom at first glance, didn’t amount to much, John thought, just another geek without glasses and a soft middle, who had tagged along for the scientific discovery. But he’d soon discovered that wasn’t who Rodney McKay was—nowhere close.

“Was there something you needed?” Rodney asked, snapping John’s eyes from Rodney’s bare feet and the patterned atomic boxers he wore.

“Ah,” John swallowed, licking his lips, “staff meeting at oh-eight hundred.”

“Okay.” Rodney straightened and yawned, stretching his arms behind his back. “Anything else?”

“That’s it.” John turned, high tailing it back to his quarters with a million questions running through his head and most of them amounting to what the hell was wrong with him? 

 

* * *

 

Maybe it was the nights he spent with Ronon while Atlantis was grounded on Earth, or actually the moon, waiting to return to Pegasus, spending their time sitting in bars over beers not talking and without judgement, just being in the moment and accepting the things that couldn’t be changed. There were never expectations with Ronon. He never needed John to be anything he wasn’t. There were no lies, not to Ronon, not to himself, only the bottled emotion of thirty odd years waiting to be released. Maybe John was tired of being on the peripheral while everyone else moved on with their lives. Maybe he was tired of being alone. 

 

* * *

 

After a ‘Hail-Mary-Save-the-Day’ kind of day, it became habit to knock on McKay’s door. It was never planned, but the long walk back to his quarters always ended in a detour, like he needed a pinch me moment and a ‘holy shit we made it’ smile with the one person who always knew how he felt.

After the six months they’d battled through, neither had many boundaries left and the knock and wait had graduated to a knock and enter.

“Ah, Major,” Rodney said with a bandage between his teeth. He held up his arm. “Help me, would you?”

“How many?” John asked, taking the bandage from McKay. He grabbed Rodney’s desk chair and sat across from him, holding Rodney’s arm over his lap.

“Four. Can you believe it? First stitches I’ve ever had and they’re from a torture session with a knife.”

“You’ve never had stitches?” he asked, ripping open a new bandage. John should have shot to kill, but he’d pulled at the last minute, a slight twitch to avoid any possibility of hitting Elizabeth. “Never played hockey up in Canada?”

“Why the hell would you think I played sports?”

“Not even golf?” John pulled back the padding covering the cut. Beckett had done a good job cleaning it. He doubted it would scar.

“ _Especially_ not golf. And that’s not a sport.”

John put the new padding on, taping it down along the sides, pushing a little harder than he really needed to.

“Ow! Watch it.” Rodney tried to pull his arm away, but John had a firm grip of it. They were close, heads bent toward each other with Rodney’s arm inches away from John’s chest.

“It’s barely a scratch,” John said, using gentler hands to roll the bandage around Rodney’s arm. It could have been much worse.

When John was done, he straightened, sitting back in the chair. He waited for Rodney to make a smartass comment, but none came. Instead, he pursed his lips together, meeting John’s eyes. Rodney took a deep breath.

“Thank you, Major,” he said. The sentiment was open enough that John could take it for helping with his bandage, but as he held John’s gaze a little longer than he was comfortable with, John understood what he really meant by his words. It was John who had to sleep at night with what he had done, all the lives he had taken, but he would do it again if it meant he’d have more moments like this with Rodney. 

 

* * *

 

It didn’t take John long to embrace his newfound self. He started off slow, cautious with his heart, he wasn’t the ‘Kirk’ Rodney always accused him of being, more like a timid puppy, eager and willing with a lot to learn. He didn’t make an announcement, or have a party about his revelation, but he started dragging Ronon to bars out of their usual block radius, ones that were fluid and gentrified where women and men from all walks of life mingled as friends without the pressure of attracting the right kind of person. And when he sat at the bar, he angled his body toward the room instead of giving it his back to stare at whatever was playing on the TV. He looked people in the eye and told truths about himself, and shared stories even his team had never heard. It was a subtle change, but of course, it never went unnoticed by Ronon despite the conversation that never took place. He stayed with John, drinking silently beside him as John opened himself up to possibilities. 

 

* * *

 

“I’m allowed to have a life, McKay!”

“Not when it jeopardizes the safety of this city!”

“It was hardly that. She was an Ancient for crying out loud.”

“And you were taken with her the moment you laid eyes on her. We don’t know what kind of abilities the ascended have. For all we know she bewitched you with plans to take over the city.”

“Bewitched? Do you even hear yourself?” If he wasn’t so angry with Rodney, he might take merit in his theory, but Rodney was wrong about the reasons. Being confined on the city, away from the societal norms of Earth, John found himself confused at times, thinking about things he shouldn’t, and he’d forgotten what it was like to innocently want someone without remorse and have those feelings reciprocated. And now Rodney was tainting that.

“You don’t get to turn this into something it wasn’t.” He shoved Rodney out the door, locking it. As far as John was concerned, the knock and enter policy had been revoked. 

 

* * *

 

Eventually, John started making conversation with men and women who had nothing to do with the Stargate program or the military. He couldn’t be completely truthful about what he did, but it was enough to be able to share who he was.

The bartender they befriended was as tall as John and half the width, and her attire consisted of sliced up tanks and bandeaus that held a flat chest that didn't really need to be held. Carla had bleached hair that sat on her head in a million different ways depending on how the wind blew. She talked enough for them both, so Ronon took to her immediately, even though, John, with his fresh self-discovery, took a little longer—but not by much.

As she set two beers in front of them, she seemed nervous, not her usual take-no-bull self. Ronon winked at her and John smelled a conspiracy.

“Ah, Shep?” she said, pretending to wipe down a bar top that was already clean.

“Yes, Carla.” He smiled in return.

“I don't want to overstep my bounds, and please feel free to tell me to piss off if I am, but since I’m committed to my craft as a perceptive bartender, I feel it’s my duty to do this.”

“And what's that?” He took a sip of his beer, dreading the awkward ask. He'd never given her a reason to think he was interested, but he was friendly with everyone, and most of the times he never saw things coming.

“I had a revelation the other day. I think you should date,” she blew the hair out of her face, then smiled, “my brother.”

John choked on his beer, coughing the bitterness out of his pipes while Ronon kept nudging his knee, grinning like a fool.

“He's thirty-eight. An engineer. Very successful. Single, well, full disclosure, it's been awhile since he's dated anyone.” She rambled on about him, and their upbringing, but John wasn't really listening, he was trying to get past the idea of going on a date, any date, whether it was a man or a woman. It was well past six years for him, and now that the idea was presented in front of him, it was terrifying. If he was truthful, he might've been happy just sitting here with Ronon, relishing in the notion that he was open to things without a need to act on them. He could do it forever or at least until they took the city back to Pegasus.

Ronon nudged his knee again, watching him over the beer bottle at his mouth. Carla was looking at him expectantly, her lower lip grabbed tight between her teeth.

“What’s his name?”

“Geoff. With a G.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey.” It was late, hours after most of Atlantis was tucked in their beds. Rodney’s lab was dark save for the light over his workspace where Rodney was diligently watching code stream by on his screen. “You get any sleep?”

“Some.”

“What are you doing?”

Rodney pointed at his screen. “Fully charged ZedPM. Can you imagine what three would do?”

“It’ll still be here tomorrow and the day after.”

“Will it, though?” He finally looked up from his screen and John saw the concern in Rodney’s eyes. “Will we be here?”

John leaned against the workbench, arms folded. He wondered the same thing. Now they had contact with Earth things would change. His command for one, he doubted they would leave a lowly major in charge of such an important outpost. There would be someone new in charge and who’s to say he wouldn’t be transferred somewhere else, or if any of them would be allowed to stay, and if they were, they would be under the watchful eye of the IOA and SGC.

“Can’t change it tonight, McKay. Get some rest.” He laid a hand on his shoulder. “You deserve it.”

The sound Rodney made was a bit undignified even for him. They’d all been pushed to their limits and beyond in some cases, and despite the extra people in the city, the halls were empty, the lights dimmed.

The walk to McKay’s quarters was quiet and seemed quicker than usual. McKay hesitated before walking through his door. His head was bowed with his shoulders heavily weighed.

“I thought you were dead.”

John’s stomach did a flip, topsy-turvy, like he was back in a 302. “I thought I was dead, too.”

“I'm glad you're not.” Rodney walked through the door and it closed before John could respond.

“Me too,” he said to the empty hallway, and if he held back the hand he wanted to place upon the door it wasn’t for lack of wanting to, more that he was afraid the door would open and what he would do if it did. 

 

* * *

 

John wasn’t expecting to find Ronon waiting outside his door like he’d been there since John stepped into the shower, ready to drag John out by the scruff of his neck if he decided to call off his date. But what Ronon didn’t understand, or maybe he did, was that John had waited long enough and he wasn’t about to back out now.

John had questioned the bomber jacket he’d thrown over his light blue button-down, but Ronon’s approving look told him he’d chosen well. Ronon said nothing as he walked him to the gate room where the Sergeant on duty was ready to beam him down to Denver. If he was going to continue this dating thing, he might consider getting himself an apartment in the city like Rodney and Jennifer had. It would make it easier to come and go as he pleased, and not to mention the aspect of having guests over, which up until now, only included people privy to the Stargate program. But he was getting ahead of himself. It was a first date. With a man. And just when that thought sunk in, Ronon slapped him on his back, wished him luck and sent him on his way.

 

* * *

 

“You going to eat that?” Rodney pointed to the pudding cup on John's tray.

“Yes. I am.” He pulled his tray closer. Rodney and Ronon had finished their meals while John still poked at his. It was a little off-putting to see how Ronon enthusiastically dove into his food, fingers licking his plate clean. John couldn't imagine how tough it was to scavenge food every day for seven years, and here they were probably wasting a good portion of leftovers every meal.

“You sure?” Rodney asked. “Wouldn't want it to go to waste.”

“It won't and you don't need another one, McKay. Don't think I didn't notice your huffing and puffing on the last mission.”

“It was hot! And there was a lot of running.”

“Exactly. And since you refuse to train with me or my marines, you don't need another pudding.”

“Since when did you become my warden?” Rodney pushed back his chair, standing.

“Just trying to keep you alive, McKay.”

Rodney stared at him, mouth set in a firm line. His eyes glanced to John's tray. “Well, in that case…” He grabbed John's pudding and made his quick escape shouting about blood sugar levels and sustenance.

John shook his head, chuckling as he speared a piece of chicken with his fork.

“Why's he on your team?” Ronon asked.

“McKay? I get that a lot.”

Ronon waited for John to explain, he wasn't much for words, that one. “Yeah, he whines and complains, he's not in the best of shape and not great with weapons.” Ronon snorted. “But he's good in a pinch. Saved my ass more times than I can count, all of our asses, in fact.” John smiled. He didn't mean to get defensive about Rodney, but he liked Ronon, respected him in the little time he’d known him, and he wanted him to see the value in Rodney, enough that he could count on Ronon to be one of Rodney's protectors. “And there's no one I trust more to have my back, than Rodney. He's the real deal under all of that bravado.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” John said, leaning back in his chair.

“I'll join your team.”

“Just like that?” John asked and Ronon nodded. “Can I ask what changed your mind?”

“You'd die for him. Tells me everything I need to know.” 

 

* * *

 

Geoff with a G wasn’t what John expected, to be fair, he wasn’t sure what to expect.

The restaurant Carla picked out for them was understated and quaint, not too intimate, but quiet enough they didn’t need to shout over their dinner plates.

Geoff, as it turned out, was a mechanical engineer with one of the lead firms responsible for clean energy and restorative environmental projects throughout damaged areas of the country. It was refreshing to listen to him. The conversation was easy. He held John’s attention without dominating everything, and John found himself relaxed, talking about things that didn’t involve impossible calculations or life and death situations.

Geoff with a G liked cycling and surfing, was somewhat of a self-proclaimed cook and not much of a wine drinker. He even liked to golf. He was everything John hoped for in a first date, and when their plates were clean and the beer glasses empty, Geoff leaned forward, smiling at John, a genuine one that he felt straight to his toes.

“I just lost a lot of money,” Geoff said, which left John confused and panicky before he went on to explain. “My sister has bugged me about getting a new TV for a while so she can have mine. It's perfectly fine, no need to replace it, but she thinks I need a bigger one for game nights.”

“Okay,” John said, playing along.

“If you hadn’t guessed, Carla likes to play matchmaker. She’s been trying to fix me up with her barflies for years, but I’ve never said yes.”

“Why this time?”

“Well, this time, she threw in one small caveat. I had to give the date my full attention and at the end of it, if she was wrong about you, she would never meddle in my love life again.” John’s heart did a little flip. He'd forgotten what it felt like to allow that feeling to happen, having buried all possibilities long ago. “But if she was right, and I wanted a second date, I had to give her my TV that she’s had her eye on.”

John laughed, his obnoxious one that Rodney always made fun of. He sat back in his chair, grinning like a fool and feeling lighter than he had in years.

“So, how do you feel about shopping?” Geoff asked, ducking his head. “Saturday, beers and the game on a big, new TV?”

 

* * *

 

“We get caught up in his brilliance and arrogance,” Elizabeth said.

“With good reason,” John snapped back.

She closed her laptop with a force just short of a slam. “But you’re blinded more so than most.”

“That’s not true.” John uncrossed his legs, ready for a quick getaway. “There are plenty of times I keep McKay in check.”

“This was a wakeup call, John. You need to distance yourself from Rodney.” She held up her hand when he tried to protest. “At least in a non-professional capacity. I don’t have personal relationships on this city for a reason. It sways my decision-making process when I have to make the tough calls.”

“Shutting yourself off from the people you live and work with means not getting to know them, not learning to trust them and know their strengths and weaknesses.”

“And your weakness is Rodney. You’re not objective when it comes to him, and you need to be.”

“I am objective, and McKay has had some spectacular saves that warrant my faith in him.”

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” She folded her hands as she sat back in her chair. Her eyes were hard as she stared him down. This was a beat-down in words, an unsuspecting bucket of cold water that woke him up from a year of living carelessly and without watchful eyes, only he’d forgotten that someone was always watching.

“I fought to keep you as the military commander of this base. Don’t make me regret it.” 

 

* * *

 

After weeks of waiting and watching, and with a little liquid courage, John raised a glass to his nerves, said goodbye to years of wasted longing and shame, and then John Sheppard kissed a man.

It wasn’t an earth shattering, knee buckling or toe-curling kiss, not even close, but it was life altering, and that was the thing John would remember about the lips he touched with his own. Not the feel of a five o’clock shadow, or the smell of the man’s aftershave nor the taste of beer and garlic on his tongue, only that he came away from that kiss liberated by how easy it was to kiss without regret, without guilt and with a freedom of knowing who he was.

 

* * *

 

Rodney found him on the southwest pier. He sat beside him, leaning against the bulkhead, knees bent to mirror John’s. They sat in silence, unmoving until John’s ass started to numb, and the fact Rodney had yet to complain of the same affliction told John more than any words could.

The echoes of the virus drifted inside of John. He’d been assured it was long purged from his system, but the way people still recoiled, afraid of him and what he had become meant it wasn’t purged from their memories. They needed some distance to get used to him again.

Rodney groaned as he stood, shaking out his legs and stretching his arms behind him.

“You were still you.” He placed a gentle hand on John’s shoulder. “Still are.” 

 

* * *

 

The second date with Geoff went better than the first, enough that John felt it was time to find an apartment off Atlantis—off the moon. He’d mainly stayed for Ronon, but now that he spent most of his free time with Amelia, John’s decision to move from what he'd come to call home, however temporary, was easy. Being at the mercy of the IOA and the governments, they were stuck in limbo, and until they were given the order to return to Pegasus, it was the perfect opportunity to explore the unexplored.

So, John’s days consisted of unearthing the abandoned parts of the city, and his free nights were spent getting to know Geoff with a G intimately, opening himself up to more than he'd ever allowed himself to feel.

Teyla was the first to notice the change, a subtle smile she gave him when he bent his head to greet her after months of separation while she was in Pegasus with her family. She shoved a crying Torren in his arms, then dragged him to an empty room where Ronon was busy setting up a movie for the fitful toddler.

They watched and talked, eating popcorn while she filled him in on the happenings in Pegasus, and he touched on subjects he never thought he’d broach.

“And Rodney?” she asked. “How has he been?”

“Him and Keller are getting married,” Ronon said, sparing John from having to say it.

“That is wonderful news,” she said, however, her tone didn’t match her words.

Even though John had missed her these past few months, he hadn't missed her insight, the part of her that saw things others didn’t, and John’s news sparked a curious light in her eyes he'd never seen.

“There you are!” Rodney announced himself as he walked into the room. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He stopped with a frown on his face when he saw who was gathered in the room and what they’d been doing. “Movie night without me?”

“It was an impromptu evening. Torren wouldn’t settle,” Teyla said. “It seems my son is quite taken with Earth technology and when we visit it is impossible to get him to sleep.”

It was hard not to miss the hurt in Rodney's eyes, and when John moved off the city like he planned next week, he would miss these nights just as Rodney did living with Jennifer in their apartment.

“John was just about to share details of his upcoming plans this weekend,” Teyla said, taking a sleeping Torren from John’s arms. “He has a date.”

“You have a date?” Rodney asked, reaching for the popcorn bowl beside Ronon.

“Yes, Rodney, I do. Don’t act so surprised.” But now that Rodney was here, slightly out of breath in his coffee stained T-shirt, wiggling his way to sit between John and Ronon on the sofa, John’s appetite for sharing waned. Luckily, Rodney was himself and still oblivious when it came to reading a room.

“No, it’s just—” Rodney shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “Never mind.” Holding up his greasy hand, he said, “I don’t want to know about your conquests. I didn’t before, and I don’t now.” 

 

* * *

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Rodney asked, walking into John's quarters.

“Nothing.”

“You’re sulking.” Rodney held up a finger. “Wait. Is this about Elizabeth? The nanites are inert.”

“Am not. And no it's not.”

“Well, you’re hiding, then.”

John shrugged, flipping a page of his latest comic.

“You okay?”

“Just tired,” John said, setting his head against the wall.

Rodney shoved John's leg aside to make room on the bed. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you admit to being tired. You sure you’re okay?”

“Really? ’Cause, I don’t know, Rodney, I think I’m entitled to a bit of downtime.”

“What do you mean? You had six months of meditation and downtime with another Ancient trollop.”

“And that was months ago. A lot has happened since then, like, getting the life sucked out of me. Literally.”

“Hello? Almost drowned in an underwater tomb!”

“Exactly. Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?” John asked, his voice low. “That maybe we’ve had enough and what we’re doing here is making things worse? That we should go back and live our lives?”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know.” John shrugged again. “Not get mind probed by a machine?”

“You’d be bored on Earth.” Rodney nudged his shoulder. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing.” Having your life sucked out of you had some side effects, John thought. Who knew? His body had lived a lifetime in a few hours. It came with some regrets. 

 

* * *

 

John got the invitation to Rodney's engagement party on a Tuesday. He knew that because he had a standing evening squash game with Geoff every Tuesday. They'd sweat it out on the court, make dinner at Geoff’s and then sweat it out in the sheets. It had been this way for a few weeks, and John liked the routine of it, liked not having to be ready for disaster at a moment’s notice. So he was in a good place when he opened the envelope. It didn’t hurt like it would have months ago. The pang wasn’t harsh, only a thoughtful twinge that vanished the moment Geoff’s hand slid across John’s waist, reaching for the salt as John stood at the stove stirring their latest sauce concoction.

“Taste.” He lifted the wooden spoon to John’s mouth, and John obliged, letting the sauce slide past his lips. John hummed his delight, surprised by the contented sound coming from him. He thought of Rodney and what he might be doing right now, if he and Jennifer were making dinner together like this, sharing intimate moments in the kitchen that no one else would ever know about. It had been awhile since he allowed himself to think of things like that, but the engagement party made it real, permanent in a way he never thought would happen. Everyone was moving in different directions. Teyla, Ronon, Lorne and even Woolsey, had been drifting apart from the expedition, making plans while the months ticked by without a clear directive, and Rodney, well, he was getting married, rushing ahead while they were on Earth so their friends and family could participate. It wasn’t that it made John sad, more nostalgic than anything. His whole life was spent in transition, moving from one posting to another, never really getting too close because he knew he’d be leaving again, but Atlantis changed all of that. He’d found a home, a family, and as much as they lived each day with the threat of death and destruction hanging over him, they managed to create a life, one that he loved, and missed and knew he would never get back, at least not the way it was.

“Hey.” Geoff’s hand slipped under the edge of his shirt, rubbing his fingers along John’s skin. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Broken from his trance, John cleared his throat. “Just thinking about where I was this time last year.”

“Some dark, highly-classified, extremely dangerous mission, I assume?” He tugged John close.

“Something like that.” John smiled, kissing him briefly before turning back to the sauce.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“Actually,” John chuckled, “there is.” He turned the burner off, moving the pot to the back of the stove. “How would you feel about a party? Meet some of the people I work with?”

“Really?” Geoff leaned back, eyebrows raised. “You ready for that?”

“No,” John was truthful, “but I want to be.” 

 

* * *

 

“How’s the leg?” John poked his head into Jeannie’s hospital room.

“Colonel! John, please come in.” She gestured toward the chair next to her bed. “I wanted to thank you. For what you did for my brother and I,” she swallowed her tears, “for looking out for him.”

“We look out for each other.”

“Well, it used to be my job, but then, God forbid, I chose love over science and then I became one of 'them.’” She rolled her eyes.

“God forbid,” John mirrored with a chuckle.

“We’re in a much better place now, and I think I have you to thank for that. He’s grown a lot in the last few years.”

“We’ve been through a lot. _He’s_ been through a lot.”

“Mer tells me some things." She blew a strand of hair out of her face. "I'm glad he has you. He was such a lonely kid, we both were, really. Our education kept us away from kids our age, so it was hard to make friends.”

“I can only imagine,” John said unsure where this was going.

“We relied on each other a lot, made plans to take the world of astrophysics by storm. A brother and sister academic duo.”

“That’s one hell’uva combo.” John shook his head.

“That’s what I thought, but when I met Caleb things changed. Of course, Mer felt betrayed. He couldn't understand why I would want anything else. He thought I was giving up my dreams, but what he never understood was that my dreams changed. Finding someone to share your life with will do that. Having a child even more so.”

He felt defensive on Rodney's behalf. John tried the marriage thing and it didn't take. Some people weren’t cut out for it. “Not everyone wants what you have, though. And there's nothing wrong with that.”

“But that’s just it. Mer did want a family when we were younger. A better one than what we had. He has such a big heart. If he could meet someone like I did he could have a family, be a father, a great one and share all of this.” She made a motion with her hands. “All of his hard work would be worth it.”

“What are you trying to say, Jeannie?" John asked with a bit of edge.

She sighed, giving him a sad smile. "I don’t know. I just don’t want him to be alone. I want him to see that there's more to life than chasing numbers." John's heart sped up and he hoped to hell his face wasn't flushed. "Maybe you could help him see that, get him to ask out that botanist.” 

 

* * *

 

John owed Rodney the truth about who he was bringing to his party. He didn’t want to surprise him by walking in to the restaurant hand-in-hand with his date. It wasn’t like he was telling everyone about his new sexual identity. He told Teyla over popcorn, Woolsey over scotch and cigars, and his brother, Dave, over dinner, but only because he wanted the satisfaction of watching him squirm, which he did but not as much as John hoped.

He put it off long enough, or so Ronon had not so subtly told him one day while they were sparring. A roundhouse to the head, and he was flat on his back with Ronon hovering over him with a suggestion to take the afternoon off to visit McKay. So, John listened, knowing Ronon was right, that it was important the news came from John rather than by way of gossip.

He found Rodney alone in his new lab, wires and parts strewn on every available surface.

“About the party,” John said, sidling up beside him. Rodney was only half paying attention but that was par for the course lately, between planning a wedding and exploring the new parts of the city, John wondered when he slept. “Is it okay if I bring a date?”

“Yeah, that's fine,” Rodney said, typing on his laptop. “Everyone is.”

John waited. He knew it would take Rodney a few seconds to comprehend what John was asking. He counted it down in seconds. Five, four, three, two—

“Wait.” Rodney looked up from his screen. “A date? Really?”

“Yes. A date. You know, another person to bring along to awkward parties?”

“Same date as…” he waved a hand over his shoulder, “...as before?”

“Same.”

“Oh.” He pursed his lips. “Anyone I know?”

“No.” John shook his head. He wanted to tell him the rest but couldn't get the words out. Some things were difficult to broach with Rodney, and John’s love life—or lack thereof—was always one of those things. Rodney thought he was a player, and anything close to admitting that, had him smug and belligerent, at least more than usual. In the years they’d known each other, John could finally admit he was in a relationship and was actively having sex. And this time, it was the only time it was the truth and that really mattered to John.

“Well, that's probably for the best,” Rodney said. “It's slim pickings around here and working and dating is tough. Believe me. If Jennifer and I were still working together, stuck on a city in another galaxy with all that pressure we were under, I’m not sure we would’ve made it.”

“But you’re such a charmer in extreme situations, McKay.” John grinned with a twitch of his upper lip.

Rodney narrowed his eyes. “Funny.” He passed John a thingamabob which lit up in his hands before fizzling out.

“Busted,” he said, before Rodney threw it in a box at his feet. “Is this stuff from the room they uncovered on the west side of the city?”

Rodney nodded, picking up another gadget to pass him. It lay dead in John’s hands. “So, how did you meet?”

John couldn’t avoid it any longer, or he was liable to walk out of here and be forced to live in hiding from Ronon. “Through a friend.” Which was the truth to an extent. “He's an engineer.”

“Your friend?” Rodney picked up another gadget, only this time it lit up for him. He placed it in a box next to his laptop labeled ‘Further Study.’ “Who is it? Maybe I know him?”

“You don't,” John took a big breath, “and it's not my friend who's the engineer, it's my date.”

Again, he waited for Rodney to catch on, watching him work through John’s use of pronouns in his head. It took a little longer than the allotted five seconds.

“Oh!”

“Yeah.” John swallowed, feeling his throat tighten.

“Have you always been…”

“I suppose, but it's kind of a recent thing.”

“I see.” Rodney made busy use of his hands, lifting cables and boxes and essentially just placing them back where they were. “Who else knows?”

“Ronon.”

“You told Ronon before me?”

“Not intentionally. He was just there.”

“I guess Teyla knows, too? How long?”

“Look, Rodney, please don't make a big deal about this.”

“I'm not!” Rodney stopped his fidgeting. “It's just…” he ran his hands through his hair—what was left of it since coming back to Earth, anyway. He sighed, swallowing down whatever he wanted to say, then looked John in the eyes. “I'm happy for you.”

There was hurt in his eyes, but there was nothing John could do about that. “Thank you,” John said, and they left it at that. 

 

* * *

 

“I suppose you've come to revel in my heartbreak,” Rodney said as John walked into the lab.

“Heartbreak? Was it that bad?”

“Well, it wasn't good!”

“Call it a misstep, Rodney. We all know how you get when you're trapped in close quarters without a means of escape. Remember the hive ship with Ronon?”

“Try explaining that to Katie.”

“So, it’s over, then?” John squinted.

“Yes. I’m fairly certain it is.”

John had his reservations about the proposal, clearly Rodney had been nudged by Jeannie, but John never wanted to see Rodney hurt or shamed like this.

“Well…” John took a couple of chocolate bars out of his jacket pocket—the good ones Rodney liked.

“Is this a pity thing?”

“Nope. It's what you do when you go through a break up.”

“Like you would know, Mr. I-Have-a-Woman-at-Every-Stargate.”

Either Rodney was truly oblivious to everything around him that wouldn't further his Nobel path, or John should have his own award for acting the part of the promiscuous flyboy Rodney thought he was.

“Come on.” He slapped Rodney on the shoulder, leading him out of the lab. “No ice cream, but I do have beer. Let's revel in your misery for a while. Or at least until the next disaster strikes.”

 

* * *

 

The party was grandiose and considerable with everyone from the SGC in attendance, and John wondered if this was to make up for a wedding that would happen in one galaxy or another but not both. It wasn’t black tie, but it was formal enough John had to buy a new suit. The only suit he owned was a decade old, and according to Geoff, the wide legs and the boxy, loose jacket were no longer in style. He let Geoff pick out his attire. He had to admit, he looked damn good in his navy, tailored Tom Ford. It wasn’t something he would’ve picked out, but then again, his wardrobe consisted of black BDUs and black T-shirts, so he trusted his date to clean him up anyway he saw fit. He just hoped that when they walked in the room, some of the heads turning were to do with his new attire rather than the person beside him.

Thankfully, Geoff was better with people than John. The introductions were effortless and if anyone hadn’t heard his news, it was overshadowed by the official announcement they were returning to Pegasus. After a year of endless sub-committee meetings and examinations, the decision was made two days before the party and the room was abuzz with excitement. The timing couldn’t have worked out better.

Geoff squeezed John's hand. “This is an engagement party, John." He was looking around the room at the tasteful white flowers and decorations.

“Huh.” John scratched his chin, then grabbed their beers from the bartender. “I thought I mentioned that.”

“No, you said a 'work thing,’ which is not at all like an engagement party.”

“But I work with these people.”

Geoff leaned in, chuckling as he whispered in John’s ear. “Not the same thing, but you knew that, you heathen.”

“What can I say?” John laughed. “I lack certain social graces.”

“And whose engagement are we celebrating?”

John looked for the happy couple and ended up hearing Rodney before he saw him. He was berating one of the poor servers about the timing of the food coming out of the kitchen and how the repetition wasn't what he'd paid for.

“Rodney and Jennifer,” John said, and the mention of Rodney's name had his head looking up, like he'd it heard from across the room. Rodney's eyes met John's and his face lit up but only for a moment before his expression fell when he took in all of John. He raised his glass to John before turning back to the server, barking orders as they walked to the kitchen. John watched him go until he disappeared through the swinging door.

“You also didn't mention you worked with the esteemed Dr. McKay,” Geoff said, almost reverently.

“It’s Rodney.” John leaned away, shrugging a little. “I didn't think it was a thing.”

“‘Rodney.’” He chuckled. “You're on a first name basis with one of the most innovative scientists of our time?”

“Don’t let him hear you say that.” John took a long pull of his beer.

“What exactly do you do, John?” He was teasing, but John heard his unease. “I thought you said you were in the Air Force?”

“I am.” John gave him an innocent smile.

“This is quite the eclectic mix of people.” He tipped his head toward Ronon standing at the end of the bar, and Bill Lee and Zelenka at the hors d'oeuvres. “What could all these people possibly have in common?”

John shrugged. “It's an international project.”

“And classified.”

“Something like that.” This was the part Carter warned him about, that relationships outside the SGC were difficult. He was no stranger to the lies, in fact, they usually came easily to him, but it was different this time. He couldn’t be honest about who he was and what he did, like he was still locked up in silence, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“I know. I know.” Geoff pulled him close, nuzzling his nose into John's neck. “You can’t tell me. It's just that this is an impressive group of people. And you brought me.”

“Well, you're rather impressive.” John gave him a quick kiss, ignoring the murmurs around them. “Come on,” John said, putting their beers down. “Let's dance.” He led Geoff to the dance floor where a crowd of people had gathered to dance.

They were met with shouts of encouragement and wide smiles as John took Geoff in his arms and swayed to the melodic music. It wasn't as odd as John thought it would be, although neither of them really led, more rocking than anything, like a nice, long hug in front of a hundred or more of his colleagues. It felt good, though. Usually when it came to functions like these, John was glued to the bar, politely refusing all offers to dance or to mingle, and for once, he felt a part of the celebration rather than standing on the edge of it.

After the first song, John felt his attention shifting to Rodney who had emerged from the kitchen more composed than when he went in. John’s eyes followed him, watching as he mingled around the room, happy to be the focus of attention for a joyous occasion for once. He greeted everyone, made jokes and patted backs and then went on his way. It seemed out of character for Rodney, and it meant John couldn’t peel his eyes away from him. When Jennifer finally found Rodney, she dragged him to the dance floor against his will, which had John feeling somewhat satisfied by his resistance, but then Rodney relented, scooping her up in his arms to twirl her about. She laughed at something he said, head thrown back, enticing Rodney to kiss the soft skin on her neck, pink and flushed from whatever playful thing he’d said. He was smiling, a light in his eyes that John hadn’t seen in a long time and the ache was instant before he glanced away.

Geoff squeezed John’s hand, leaning in to whisper. “Must be tough.”

“What is?”

Geoff’s gaze focused on where John was looking only seconds ago. “Keeping all those secrets.” 

 

* * *

 

“I feel like an idiot,” Rodney said, head down walking back to his room. “Oh, my God! I don’t feel like an idiot, I am one!” He tried to turn but John had a hold of his shoulders and steered him down the hall.

“You are not.”

“But I am!” Rodney held his face in his hands, trusting John to lead the way. “And it’s only going to get worse.”

“You don’t know that.” He squeezed Rodney’s shoulders.

“Yes. In fact, it's the one thing I do know without a doubt.”

They reached Rodney’s door and John pushed him into the middle of the room. “Come on, I’ll draw you a bath. You said you think better there.”

“Like it’ll help.” Rodney sighed, rubbing at his temples. “It’s like I can feel every year slipping away.” He protested but unzipped his jacket while John went to the ancient tub and started the water, testing the temperature before grabbing Rodney’s coveted bubble bath off the counter.

“We’ll figure this one out just like we’ve figured out every other thing.” He swirled his hand in the water, getting the bubbles the way Rodney liked them, or assumed he did. It was only a matter of time before Rodney stopped recognizing them, but John still believed they'd find a cure. The brain was a miraculous wonder, and Rodney’s brain even more so.

The tub was almost full, the bubbles making it look even fuller and the room was filled with the scent of lavender. Rodney hovered in the doorway, stripped to his boxers and T-shirt, feet bare and hair astray from pulling off his sweater. He looked younger than he was, younger than when they met, eyes wide and innocent and then Rodney blinked, and he was back to himself.

John cleared his throat, wiping his hands on the towel. There wasn’t anything he could do to fix Rodney, he had to trust someone else to do that, but he could help the only way he knew how.

“You need me to stay?” John asked, looking at his feet, because it was hours ago Rodney had locked himself in a transporter and couldn’t remember how to get to the tower.

“No,” Rodney said, and as John moved to get past him, Rodney reached out his hand. “Maybe, ah, maybe you could stay. Talk to me through the door?”

“You sure?”

“I’m not ready to be alone with this, yet." He looked away, swallowing, then forced a smile. "What if I forget how to sit in a tub and drown?” He chuckled, but John heard his fear.

“I’m not the best at small talk.”

“Understatement of the month.” Rodney started to lift his T-shirt, and before he noticed John’s flushed cheeks, John closed the door and sat with his back against it. He heard water sloshing and Rodney’s groans as he settled in the tub. “Tell me all the scathing details about the new recruits,” he said through the door. “It’s not like I’ll remember!”

 

* * *

 

People made plans when they were restless, John knew that more than anyone, and it was inevitable they would lose some people along the way while they waited for a way to get the city home, but John mistakenly assumed everyone would want to finish what they started in Pegasus. They had a lot to atone for and never once did John think about not going back, hell, he even thought about leaving with Ronon and Teyla if the city stayed. Despite the redeeming last few months on Earth, it wasn’t his home anymore and he’d always assumed it was the same for Rodney.

“What do you mean you're staying?”

“Do I really need to explain the word stay?” Rodney said, wrapping a set of cables around his forearm. “As career military I would think it’s a staple command. Sit, stay, bark.”

“You want to make light of this? Fine.” John turned to leave and just as he was through the door, Rodney caught him by the arm.

“John, I’m sorry.” There was so much emotion in Rodney’s voice and in his touch that John’s anger disappeared as quickly as it came. “I don't know how else to deal with this.”

“I see.” John took a breath. “So, this isn’t your decision.”

“It is.” Rodney straightened his shoulders, lifting his chin. “I just wish it was a different one. Jennifer's dad isn't well. She wants to stay, at least until he's better or until he…”

The bags under Rodney’s eyes and the sallow skin and extra weight he was carrying was an indication of how difficult the decision had been for Rodney, and if that was a glowing recommendation of how much he loved Jennifer, John didn't know what was. Rodney was giving up his life's work, his dream, for the woman he loved. How could John compete with that? He couldn't make it harder than it was for Rodney. He couldn’t imagine the sleepless nights Rodney would’ve endured to reach his decision, and the way he was packing up his lab with such vigor and efficiency made it clear it was absolute. The best John could do was be his supportive self.

“You sure Earth is ready for you?” John glanced at his feet, then pasted on a smile. “Carter must be beside herself knowing she’ll have some healthy competition.” A few beats passed between them before Rodney understood what John was doing.

“Competition? Carter?” He rolled his eyes as he folded his arms. “Please. She's a Zelenka at best now that he’s spent so much time working with me and Ancient tech.” Rodney went back to his bench and continued with his cables. “Speaking of, I recommended Radek take my place. Look out for him, okay? Don't let him get killed or maimed or anything.”

“Will do my best.”

John figured he could help Rodney pack up, not that he wanted it to go faster, but he couldn’t seem to pull himself away from Rodney, not when it sunk in that he wouldn’t be there to save their hides, that John wouldn’t have late night visits to his lab or someone to bounce ideas off of, someone just to be himself around, or someone who made him happy.

“How did Geoff with a G take the news about you leaving?” Rodney asked after a time.

John shrugged. “He offered me a job at his company. They do a lot of work with the military, have a lot of former officers on their payroll. Big bucks apparently. Interesting stuff.”

“Anything you'd consider?” Rodney raised his eyebrows.

“Nah.” He shook his head. “I'm not cut out for office work. You know me and paperwork.”

Rodney chuckled. “True.”

“Look, Rodney…” John trailed off. He really had nothing he could say that wouldn't be selfish or give everything away. He wanted Rodney to pick him, go with him and give up that perfect Earth life for him, but he was never about asking someone to do something that he wouldn't do himself. All those years of pining away on Atlantis, he never risked it all for Rodney, at least not in the way he wanted to ask him to do now.

“Let's not,” Rodney said. “Okay? We'll be back. This isn't goodbye.”

“Right.” John nodded even though it felt like a goodbye, like it was the final push John needed to accept that Rodney would forever be out of his reach. 

 

* * *

 

Well, that sucked, John thought. It was his only thought as he left the mess hall with Ronon. That, and Keller was too young and all wrong for Rodney.

He knew he should've taken Carter's place on M5V-801. If not for that harrowing mission, their relationship never would’ve had time to cultivate. If he'd been there, he could've run interference and Rodney wouldn't be making those mushy eyes at her. He would be oblivious to Keller’s obvious pining, and the two of them would continue their perpetual bachelorhood.

It wasn’t fair, and it just sucked—simple as that.

 

* * *

 

Rodney’s new house was exactly as John imagined, straight out of Jennifer's wish list of magazine homes. And even though it might have been Jennifer's design, Rodney was proud to show it off, like he wanted John to know he was going to be okay, that staying behind really was his decision.

They were leaving in a week, flying the city back to where it belonged along with most of the people who had come with it, minus a few.

“Well?” Rodney said smiling. “What do you think?”

“It's a lot of house.” And it was. Four bedrooms, five bathrooms, and a two-story heated garage that would double as Rodney's new research lab when he wasn't commuting back to the mountain.

“Kids,” Rodney said, bouncing on his toes. “Jennifer wants to start a family right away.”

“That's great, Rodney. That's really great,” John said, hiding the sting from hearing what John had always thought, that Rodney had always wanted this life. “I'm happy for you.”

“Are you, though?” Rodney asked. “I know we never talked about,” he waved his hands around, “all of this. About me staying behind, but it just made sense. I can do so much more getting Earth up to speed, integrating the technology and with Sam off on her own adventures with her new ship, someone needs to stay behind—”

“Rodney, it's okay.” John reached for Rodney’s shoulder to stop him. “You seem happy.”

“I am.” It was a quick response, one meant to convince them both that he didn't have to think about his answer, but nonetheless, John heard the doubt.

“That's good.” John walked to the sliding doors, looking onto the backyard where he could picture a swing set and soccer nets and two or three kids running around on the green grass. This was a life John would never have and he had come to terms with that a long time ago.

“Are you?” Rodney broke the silence. “Happy. I mean?”

John took longer than he normally would to answer, thinking hard about where he was in his life. He was happy to head back to Pegasus. He was happy to be with Ronon and Teyla again, and he was happy he had this time on Earth to discover more about himself, which he never would have had if they stayed in Pegasus. But that didn't mean something wasn't missing.

“Happyish,” he settled on.

“Are you sad about leaving Geoff with a G?” Rodney smiled, a teasing one with a curve of one side.

“Not really. He's a great guy and we had a lot of fun.” He felt his ears warm as he thought about the lazy Sunday mornings spent naked. “But he was never the endgame.” He didn't know why he said it, but it felt right to be truthful. It wasn’t that Geoff was his second choice, only that John was never going to have his first one.

“Oh.” Rodney joined him at the glass doors. They stood silently, watching the wind blowing through the pines lining the back fence.

“Was I ever an option?” Rodney asked, low and his voice a bit broken.

And God, that one cut to the core. What John wanted to say was that Rodney was always the option, he was the only option, but it wasn't fair, not when they were standing in Rodney's new house with three extra bedrooms waiting to be filled with the laughter of children. This was the life Rodney wanted and one John could never give him and Jennifer could. He wasn't about to throw a wrench in anyone's plans a week before departure. The question in John's mind was if Rodney had wanted to be an option. He wanted to know who he was to Rodney. A friend, a burden, a possibility? But at the end of it all, he couldn't put that on Rodney.

“Maybe at one time,” John said, and the lie was sour on his tongue. “Rodney.” He sighed when he watched Rodney's shoulders sag. “All I've wanted is for you to be happy. That’s it. That's what anyone wants for their best friend. And this,” he spread his arms, “makes you happy.”

Rodney stood with his hands in his pockets, starting straight ahead. His cheeks were rosy red, and his eyes were shining. He bit his lip, nodding his head and with a deep breath, he turned to face John. He promised himself one last look into Rodney’s eyes, only one, and then he would shut that door and not look back. It wasn’t healthy for either of them if John continued to wish for things he couldn’t have, and maybe this separation would help him get past it easier than if Rodney and Jennifer had come with them.

They met each other’s eyes and there was fear in Rodney’s, only for a moment, but John recognized it from the many times he’d witnessed it. He didn’t want their last afternoon to be so solemn and worrisome, it wasn’t who they were.

“I brought some beer to celebrate, the good kind,” John said. “It’s not beer on the pier, but maybe we could start a new tradition?” John tilted his head, thinking. “Stout on the steps?”

Rodney laughed, and the tension left his shoulders. “That was lame, Colonel.” Rodney smacked his arm. “Even for you.” 

 

* * *

 

When they first embarked on the expedition, the endgame was always Earth, to get home, and bring the knowledge of the city with them. He never imagined bringing their beloved city with them, though, and it was too surreal to think of the ramifications.

They saved Earth but the victory was bittersweet, and it was a taste John wasn't sure he liked. He wasn’t ready to be back, not for the long term, especially not without means to return. Earth would civilize them, make them think about their lives and their goals, make them re-evaluate what they wanted out of their lives and what they’d been missing being isolated for so long. Things were safe on Atlantis, like suspended animation where they were all too busy to worry about relationships, families and love.

So, as John took in the people gathered on the balcony overlooking the San Francisco Bay, he knew they would lose some of their people. They would fall in love, visit family and realize how long they'd been away, they would plan their lives, start living again, and he felt a deep, hollow ache knowing he was about to lose something special. It hurt to think about it, hurt to look at Ronon and Amelia, Teyla and Kanaan, and Rodney with his arm around Jennifer, smiling happily at her. John would be left behind, and he was of the mind-set that it was something that wasn't done, but here they were, and he could already feel them slipping away. Being here, where the priorities were vastly different, John would feel the pang of being alone and would have to face the reasons behind his loneliness. 

 

* * *

 

John gave himself the week to grieve the loss of a future where as long as Atlantis still floated, he and Rodney would be there. After his mourning, he focused on different concerns, like what it meant to be openly gay and the commander of the most revered military outpost in history. And he had to face that without the support and camaraderie of Dr. Rodney McKay.

“Colonel Sheppard," Mr. Woolsey said over the radio, "they’re ready for you in the chair room.”

“On my way,” John said. They were leaving the Milky Way with a fully functioning city, thanks to the ZPMs SG-24 and 16 found. They had a full complement of soldiers and weapons, an abundance of scientists and administrative personnel, and more supplies than they'd ever known. The city had everything it needed to survive and thrive, everything John had ever wanted for the city, and yet he couldn't partake in everyone's excitement. He always thought he would be the one left behind, not the one doing the leaving, and the only way to move past it was to power through while letting the others celebrate for him.

He made it to the chair room and Zelenka was there, smiling, along with a few other faces he recognized but he only had eyes for one unexpected face. Dumbstruck, he tried to speak, but was shot down before getting the words out.

"After you left the house,” Rodney said, wringing his hands, “I wandered the empty rooms thinking about what you said.” He cleared his throat. “You said you wanted me to be happy. That it was all you wanted for me. You said that and you _meant_ it." Rodney lifted his chin, his head tilted in defiance, daring John to deny it. “That house didn't make me happy. I might’ve wanted everything that came with it at one time, everyone kept telling me I did, but I don’t. I don't want that life anymore.

“Jeannie says it takes work to have a relationship, but it's never work with you. I never have to be anything I'm not.” Rodney’s cheeks were flushed and there was a bead of sweat along his brow. John wanted to speed Rodney along, and usually he would at this point in his ramblings, but this was Rodney’s revelation.

“This city makes me happy. Pegasus...and even the running for our lives makes me happy.”

“Okay?”

"You make me happy. And I guess what I'm trying to say," Rodney bit his lip, searching John's eyes, "can I still be an option?"

John’s heart skipped and the room was silent while everyone waited for his reaction. He looked around at the hopeful faces gathered, and then he started to laugh, the kind that let go of the pain and longing of too many years. It was the kind of laugh that brought forth tears and smiles, and a flutter in his chest that sent a warmth throughout. He knew Rodney, had known who he was for years, and loved him just as long. He was braver than John. He turned impossible chances into possible ones, and as John wiped at his eyes, he reached to pull Rodney into his arms. He held tight, and then whispered into his ear.

"You were the only option."

Rodney relaxed with a pent up sigh, and even a choked sob, but later he would never admit to it, and when John kissed him, it was the kind of kiss that was sweet but not timid and it _was_ earth shattering, knee buckling, toe curling, and most importantly, life changing. When they parted, there was a collective sigh from the others in the room, a happy one that was bottled up for six years, and John felt everything fall into place with that sigh, like the city, their people and John and Rodney were all where they were finally supposed to be. It was a long journey filled with twists and turns, but it was the right one, because John had only kissed two men in his life, and he'd be content to never kiss another.

 

* * *

 

John wasn’t sure when it happened, when he fell in love with his best friend, only that he had.

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, a blessed thank you to [bookjunkie1975](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookjunkie1975/pseuds/bookjunkie1975) for a beta read and for always being my cheerleader.
> 
>  
> 
> Song Inspiration: [Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKNwx82kPjY)


End file.
